They say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem…they are right. I wonder who “they” are by the way. They are very wise and often always right.
Yesterday I had a major breakthrough. Even now as I type this I am not sure if I am bold enough to post it…my heart is racing back and forth, and my body is trembling. No exaggerations. I wanted so badly to write and share the thoughts in my head…I wrote but hesistated on sharing. I wanted to be sure I was ready to put it all out there. I don’t know if I am…my heart and head wants me to…
For the first time, I think I am admitting my truths to myself and accepting them. This year has been a rough year…I have been thoroughly confused and angry. Angry at me for some many reasons, and this anger clouded my judgment and ability to see my many blessings, and face the truth.
For a long time, I have been ashamed of myself or who I thought I was…maybe not ashamed but unaccepting of myself, and the many parts of who I am.
I am a wife…and I don’t think I have ever embraced that. I don’t know why…I have always seen it as a restrain…a hold of some sorts that wouldn’t allow me to live fully. I don’t know if I am making sense…I didn’t know if I could be a wife and still be strong, independent, intelligent, driven, successful, and every other thing in between. I didn’t think there was any empowerment in that role…
I didn’t understand how I could balance all the roles…so I didn’t make the most of it. I am not proud of myself in anyway…but I am being honest.
Years later, kids came and I think I suppressed myself even further and didn’t know if ever I could be more than a wife and mother…I loathed that. I detested who I was.
Without thinking I started writing again…the more I wrote…the more I opened up to myself…and the more I pushed the limits and tested my abilities. My insides were crying to be free… to be accepted.I wanted out of everything that I thought held me back…until yesterday.
I was watching Dara Torres, one of my many heroes at the Olympic trials. After her swim, she waved to her daughter, and I saw what transpired between them.In that brief moment, something clicked in my head…unless I really didn’t want to be married anymore, my marriage is no hindrance to my personal growth and achievements…it shouldn’t be…it should never be.
My kids are blessings…a testament to womanhood…if anything they should be stepping stones for me to want to do better. They should be one of my empowering factors.
I come from a community where people are closely guarded…we are disposed to secrecy, and there is nothing wrong with that. For me however, my success has finally taken a toll for the better in that I have found myself…faced my truths…and I am willing to accept it. I know I am not alone in this…someone out there must know what I am talking about…someone out there must have been through this before… someone out there might be going through it now and if this can help them in anyway, then my success in this area has come full circle.
In this moment, right here, right now…I accept every part of me.Will there be challenges along the way? Yes! Are there days I would feel otherwise from how I feel today? Yes! Will I allow it to pull me into the angry and depressing state I have been the last few months ? NO.
This note will serve as my reminder…Dara Torres and millions of other women who balance it all will serve as my reminder… living honestly and without self loathe will serve as my reminder…being able to breathe and just be will serve as my reminder.
I have come a long way…I am still not the ring wearing, talking about your man and family 24-7 type of chick but I am proud of the woman typing these words…I am proud of myself.
To end this on a light note; now I feel completely naked and the whole world has seen my many strecth marks :).
I have come to a realization
Without giving too much away
I don’t want to hold anything back
I have come to an understanding
An absolute truth about myself
I am learning to embrace me
All the many components of me
The many sums of my entirety
I am no longer afraid of my many roles
No longer ashamed of them
No longer unaccepting of them
I have come to a certain realization
Embracing them all honestly
I am facing my truths head on
I think for the first time
I can live without fear
Insecurities and judgment
I am wife
Mom
Sister and daughter
And for the first time
I am unashamed and accepting
Of these roles
They don’t define me entirely
But they are the many parts of me
They don’t take away from my intelligence
And they wouldn’t hold me back from my purpose
I see them no longer as stumbling blocks
I accept them
I embrace them
I celebrate them
I will use them to empower myself
They are my stepping stones
My secrets are out
My truths are known
No longer ashamed
For the first time
I begin to live all over again
Boomie Bol 