My Brothers

A sweet Saturday morning
Born from 40 minutes of nonstop chatter
A telephone conversation with my brothers
Both of them older

Memories long and old sweetly revisited
Laughs, giggles, and meaningful silence
Between phrases, jokes, and long twisted words

Words of wisdom maturely spoken
In perfect time to say bye-byes and
I love you

Well over 30 years of loving them
These boys now men still super heroes
In my heart

*I was going to share a childhood picture of us…but my brothers will get back at me in the worst kind of way :)* I LOVE THEM SO MUCH

Accepting My Truth

They say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem…they are right. I wonder who “they” are by the way. They are very wise and often always right.

Yesterday I had a major breakthrough. Even now as I type this I am not sure if I am bold enough to post it…my heart is racing back and forth, and my body is trembling. No exaggerations. I wanted so badly to write and share the thoughts in my head…I wrote but hesistated on sharing. I wanted to be sure I was ready to put it all out there. I don’t know if I am…my heart and head wants me to…

For the first time, I think I am admitting my truths to myself and accepting them. This year has been a rough year…I have been thoroughly confused and angry. Angry at me for some many reasons, and this anger clouded my judgment and ability to see my many blessings, and face the truth.

For a long time, I have been ashamed of myself or who I thought I was…maybe not ashamed but unaccepting of myself, and the many parts of who I am.

I am a wife…and I don’t think I have ever embraced that. I don’t know why…I have always seen it as a restrain…a hold of some sorts that wouldn’t allow me to live fully. I don’t know if I am making sense…I didn’t know if I could be a wife and still be strong, independent, intelligent, driven, successful, and every other thing in between. I didn’t think there was any empowerment in that role…

I didn’t understand how I could balance all the roles…so I didn’t make the most of it. I am not proud of myself in anyway…but I am being honest.

Years later, kids came and I think I suppressed myself even further and didn’t know if ever I could be more than a wife and mother…I loathed that. I detested who I was.

Without thinking I started writing again…the more I wrote…the more I opened up to myself…and the more I pushed the limits and tested my abilities. My insides were crying to be free… to be accepted.I wanted out of everything that I thought held me back…until yesterday.

I was watching Dara Torres, one of my many heroes at the Olympic trials. After her swim, she waved to her daughter, and I saw what transpired between them.In that brief moment, something clicked in my head…unless I really didn’t want to be married anymore, my marriage is no hindrance to my personal growth and achievements…it shouldn’t be…it should never be.

My kids are blessings…a testament to womanhood…if anything they should be stepping stones for me to want to do better. They should be one of my empowering factors.

I come from a community where people are closely guarded…we are disposed to secrecy, and there is nothing wrong with that. For me however, my success has finally taken a toll for the better in that I have found myself…faced my truths…and I am willing to accept it. I know I am not alone in this…someone out there must know what I am talking about…someone out there must have been through this before… someone out there might be going through it now and if this can help them in anyway, then my success in this area has come full circle.

In this moment, right here, right now…I accept every part of me.Will there be challenges along the way? Yes! Are there days I would feel otherwise from how I feel today? Yes! Will I allow it to pull me into the angry and depressing state I have been the last few months ? NO.

This note will serve as my reminder…Dara Torres and millions of other women who balance it all will serve as my reminder… living honestly and without self loathe will serve as my reminder…being able to breathe and just be will serve as my reminder.

I have come a long way…I am still not the ring wearing, talking about your man and family 24-7 type of chick but I am proud of the woman typing these words…I am proud of myself.

To end this on a light note; now I feel completely naked and the whole world has seen my many strecth marks :).

I have come to a realization
Without giving too much away
I don’t want to hold anything back

I have come to an understanding
An absolute truth about myself
I am learning to embrace me
All the many components of me
The many sums of my entirety

I am no longer afraid of my many roles
No longer ashamed of them
No longer unaccepting of them

I have come to a certain realization
Embracing them all honestly
I am facing my truths head on

I think for the first time
I can live without fear
Insecurities and judgment

I am wife
Mom
Sister and daughter
And for the first time
I am unashamed and accepting
Of these roles

They don’t define me entirely
But they are the many parts of me

They don’t take away from my intelligence
And they wouldn’t hold me back from my purpose
I see them no longer as stumbling blocks

I accept them
I embrace them
I celebrate them
I will use them to empower myself
They are my stepping stones

My secrets are out
My truths are known
No longer ashamed
For the first time
I begin to live all over again

Walking With Happiness- Poetry Prompt By Recton Poet

I was reading some blogs earlier in the day, and came across this prompt by Nicholas Gagnier of http://retconpoet.wordpress.com. I started working on it immediately, I usually don’t like to do challenges, no special reasons, my nerves just always get the best of me, but since I am looking to push myself in many ways; I decided to do this.

You can find the video and link- here. This is what I came up with, feel free to join if interested; see his blog above for more information. As always, please feel free to critique and analyze :). Thank you!!!

I walked on sunshine
In ‘95 when I was with him
It was great
But that was it

In the new millennium
I walked on water
I found faith
And embraced a new religion
But that was it

Now as I sit back
Watching the sun set
Over the glistening waters
Of Lake Michigan and
I can’t help but smile

I have had love
And faith
I now have life….

I picked a pebble
Tossed it up then down
I smiled again
My heart full
Glad and
Content

Content
Knowing I had found myself
I had embraced my truth

No longer scared
I now walk with myself
Walking with happiness

About Zimmerman And Of Trayvon

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Is it about racism
and of stereotyping?

About gun control
and of senseless shootings?

Is it about self-defense
and of murder?

Is it about security
and of protection?

Is it about image
And of perception?

About Zimmerman
and of Trayvon Martin

Is it about issues we acknowledge
and of issues we ignore?

Happy Birthday To Me: Dear Self, This One is For You!

Me and my Chocolate and Hazelnut Cake with Caramel ButterCream

It’s my birthday, Yay! I love birthdays, especially mine :). I get a day that’s truly mine to celebrate myself. (I’m so vain). I eat, drink, party, and just have a great time. I never miss an opportunity to enjoy myself on my birthday.
This year as my birthday approaches, my state of mind is somewhat different, still celebratory no doubt but also deep in thoughts. Every year, I grow older but am I any wiser? Do I grow in other ways that matter? Or am I stuck in the phase of average, and ordinary?

It’s so easy to lose focus, and pursue the not so significant especially when there seems to be so much clamoring for my attention. So this year, while still celebrating I am going to take some time to search inward, truly search and find ways that I can grow myself.

1. No more excuses: yes, I am a queen in that area. They just seem so convenient, and easier to handle. Unfortunately they don’t get me anywhere, instead I’m left stagnant and really on the decline. I have found that my excuses are just a way to hide the fact that I am being lazy.

2. Let go: I am terribly timid, insecure, shy, scared, and all those things that seem charming but are really not. I set up inhibitions for myself in my own head just as an idea pops up. Rather than thinking of ways to execute the ideas, I kill them even before they get a chance.

3. Failure: nobody wants to fail. But if I don’t try, how would I know, and if I don’t fail, how can I learn to do it better. I need to understand that failure is not the enemy, but staying in that state is the real default.

4. Get over myself: I am so self-conscious, it’s become terrible. I get so ill at ease quickly. I hate attention, and so the moment anyone notices me, the insecurities take over. I need to get over myself because I am sure everyone else has.

5. Seek out myself: I don’t know myself, or maybe I do and I’m unsure. I need to seek out my own personal truths, know, and own them. No more living through other people’s perceptions or point of view. No more presenting myself as something different to different people, and trying to please everyone. Recognize my strengths, believe, and own them.

6. Love myself wholly: the good, bad, and ugly. Every part of me must be loved and appreciated before others can. Besides, how can I obey the great commission of loving my neighbors as myself, if I don’t love myself? I will take good care of my body, my mind, my spirit, and soul. I will nurture my well being. Live better, think wiser, and do better.

7. Worry less: stop over thinking everything, stop analyzing every detail. Stop obsessing over issues, what people think or say about me. I don’t always have to be in control. The One who created the world has got it all covered.

8. Believe in me: nobody else will if I don’t. Put an end to the constant need for validation from others. Stop trying to fit into every crowd I find myself in. Understand that its ok to be different.

9. Embrace my life: so many things I wish my life was, but it’s not. I must learn to embrace and be thankful for the life that I have.

10. Gratitude: learn to be thankful for my blessings and misfortunes, for they all work together for a far greater good.

These are the areas I need to grow this year, Lord willing next year I won’t just be a year older, but also wiser. I am going to hold myself accountable for my own growth.

So this birthday, while I am happy I am a year older, I am also happy that I am finally growing up. Happy birthday to me, Yay!

And if you are wondering how old I am, I will tell you. I am old enough :)!

If this note mirrors your life in anyway, feel free to join me on this journey towards personal growth, and maturity.