Sharing Some Of My Deep Thoughts- Guest Blog

It’s been so long so I wrote to you Lord.

Sometimes I wonder if I am living, I mean truly living my best life. I see myself morph into someone I do not recognize. I see myself down trodden by the cares of life and paralyzed by all manner of fear. In fact, I know this is not my best life.

I keep waiting for the best time, the next time, for more time. The truth is…today is all I have, today is all I need. I am so blessed. God has been so kind. Who am I that the Lord would bless me so? I am in a place of in between where my reality is removed from my dreams…. But my dreams are not that far away, I can still taste it, I can still see its shadowy haze… all I need now is the Lord’s light to guide my path. All I need now is to try harder and live with more purpose.

The truth is I have not been giving my all. The truth is…I make excuses every day. The truth is I live a life that borders on frivolous; I live a life that is not purposeful… I don’t even want to think of wasted hours, to think of mindless thoughts and conversations… what does it benefit me to dwell on the past?

Awesome to think, that I still have a chance, that all is not lost. I am ever grateful to my God for second, third, fourth, fifth and endless chances. I am no longer shielded from the sting of death, no longer unaware of my own mortality. Forced into a place of deep realization, forced into a place where I know things must change. I must change.

No longer do I want to live in a state of madness, doing the same thing over and over again and hoping for different results. Ha! I want freedom; I need freedom from this stagnant and unproductive state of mind.

Who can I turn to? Who will pull me out of this sinking feeling…? Only you Lord. You have the power to save; you have the power to restore. You have the power to rewrite the script, change the path, and anchor my destiny.

In the end, what do I want for ME? Who am I? I am your child Lord. I need to live my life for you. I need to live a life that spells impact, spells courage, hard work and dedication. I need to live a legacy of love, sacrifice and faith for my children. I need them to see a woman who is indeed free and in being free, chooses life, chooses sacrifice, chooses love and chases her dreams.

I need to live a life that is not filled with regret, and not scarred by untapped talent and unused opportunities. Like one of the Groupon policy states, I am reminded that my value still remains…though the due date is long gone….I can still redeem because my redeemer lives!

Written by Flakey G
© 2012

Support…Community… 6months…

Image courtesy of www.genronguide.c

I have had this post on my mind for a while, but somehow wasn’t feeling quite ready to share or even write it down. I think it was partly due to laziness. Anyhow, I woke up quite early this morning, read some blog posts for almost 2 hours and tried to go back to sleep before the sun was up.

The contents for this post came back to my mind as I was trying to figure the day’s date out…turns out my blog is 6months today :). Perfect day to share this post then, would’t you agree?

I have said many times that I started this blog without giving it much thought, and had little to no idea what blogging entailed…I had no expectations whatsoever. My older brother told me once never to be disappointed in people, you didn’t appoint them. Try not to have expectations. I haven’t always listened to him, but this time I did.

I shared my first post with this mind set and hoped for a few readers from my facebook page. I also hoped I would be able to write something meaningful daily…after awhile though, I must admit I feared I might run out of words…even posted about it. But I really wanted to do this for at least a year, sharing something everyday.

I wanted to step out of the shadow of being just mom, and wife (not that there is anything wrong with those), but my heart wanted more. Often times I feel like there is so much inside of me just yearning to be out…and so on February 17th I took the first step towards finding myself…sharing my words, thoughts, and passion.

I am still a work in progress, but this journey has no doubt opened my eyes to a purpose bigger than I ever imagined. It has opened my eyes to me more than anything else. Pushed me to come out of my shell, inspired me, provoked me, and excited me.

I have to say that I owe it to God, and all of you for the many support you continue to show. As much as I can say I write for myself and my heart, the truth is “what use is a good book, if no one ever reads it?” Everyday I wake up to check this blog and somehow you kind people show up time after time and support me..I honestly cannot say I know why, but somehow you do…I am by no means the best writer, far from it…yet somehow you continue to support and inspire me. THANK YOU!!!

6 months, 240 posts, over 25,000 views and over a thousand followers later…I remain humbled and inspired by your support. This experience has given me more than I could ever have expected…a commmunity, where people encourage, share, and support one another. I never knew I would have readers from around the world…or connect to people so much that we can develop a relationship outside of WP…THANK YOU!

Image courtesy of http://www.afamousartist.com

It’s in this same token of support, and community that I stumbled on an opportunity recently on a blog I follow http://roxieh.wordpress.com/ I pursued it and found out recently that they accepted on of the poems I submitted…what’s more exciting is that it was a poem that didn’t get a lot of attention (In my opinion, one of my top 3 best poems), “Poverty”. Thank you again Roxie for always sharing these opportunities.

My experience and the results on here have been more than I could ever have expected…I continue to find truths about myself, what I want to do, and how I want to make a difference. I continue to write daily and improve my writing skills, I continue to learn from all your posts, thoughts, and ideas. I am happy I decided to do this.

A big thank you to my non-blogging friends who subscribe via email and facebook…you rarely comment, but then I get your text messages, emails, and when we talk you continue to cheer me on. I appreciate each and everyone of you. THANK YOU!

I didn’t intend for this post to be this long but I am sure you would indulge me…thank you all for always reading, liking, sending emails, commenting, following, sharing, sending me opportunities, introducing me to new bloggers, and all the great stuff in between. I remain a work in progress and I like my time on here.

I read a book a while back by one of my favorite authors, John Maxwell titled Failing Forward and I coined his definition of success, he wrote “Success is knowing what your purpose is in life, walking in it, and sowing seeds of benefit in others.” This is what I want for myself…live my purpose but impact other people to do the same so that they can also do the same for others and so on…then our successes will become full circle. I hope I continue to do that with these words…I hope they find someone somewhere and move and compel them to their greater good.

Thank you again for all the support, looking back on my life, I have come a long way…I know I still have far to go…but I have come a long way. I hope it continues only to get better for me and you all. I hope I have many more words to share with you all. THANK YOU!!!

In all humility and modesty, I am proud of myself… Here’s to many more posts, growth, and support, and friendships. THANK YOU!!!

If my heart could speak
Out loud and clear to you all
It’d echo THANK YOU!

Accepting My Truth

They say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem…they are right. I wonder who “they” are by the way. They are very wise and often always right.

Yesterday I had a major breakthrough. Even now as I type this I am not sure if I am bold enough to post it…my heart is racing back and forth, and my body is trembling. No exaggerations. I wanted so badly to write and share the thoughts in my head…I wrote but hesistated on sharing. I wanted to be sure I was ready to put it all out there. I don’t know if I am…my heart and head wants me to…

For the first time, I think I am admitting my truths to myself and accepting them. This year has been a rough year…I have been thoroughly confused and angry. Angry at me for some many reasons, and this anger clouded my judgment and ability to see my many blessings, and face the truth.

For a long time, I have been ashamed of myself or who I thought I was…maybe not ashamed but unaccepting of myself, and the many parts of who I am.

I am a wife…and I don’t think I have ever embraced that. I don’t know why…I have always seen it as a restrain…a hold of some sorts that wouldn’t allow me to live fully. I don’t know if I am making sense…I didn’t know if I could be a wife and still be strong, independent, intelligent, driven, successful, and every other thing in between. I didn’t think there was any empowerment in that role…

I didn’t understand how I could balance all the roles…so I didn’t make the most of it. I am not proud of myself in anyway…but I am being honest.

Years later, kids came and I think I suppressed myself even further and didn’t know if ever I could be more than a wife and mother…I loathed that. I detested who I was.

Without thinking I started writing again…the more I wrote…the more I opened up to myself…and the more I pushed the limits and tested my abilities. My insides were crying to be free… to be accepted.I wanted out of everything that I thought held me back…until yesterday.

I was watching Dara Torres, one of my many heroes at the Olympic trials. After her swim, she waved to her daughter, and I saw what transpired between them.In that brief moment, something clicked in my head…unless I really didn’t want to be married anymore, my marriage is no hindrance to my personal growth and achievements…it shouldn’t be…it should never be.

My kids are blessings…a testament to womanhood…if anything they should be stepping stones for me to want to do better. They should be one of my empowering factors.

I come from a community where people are closely guarded…we are disposed to secrecy, and there is nothing wrong with that. For me however, my success has finally taken a toll for the better in that I have found myself…faced my truths…and I am willing to accept it. I know I am not alone in this…someone out there must know what I am talking about…someone out there must have been through this before… someone out there might be going through it now and if this can help them in anyway, then my success in this area has come full circle.

In this moment, right here, right now…I accept every part of me.Will there be challenges along the way? Yes! Are there days I would feel otherwise from how I feel today? Yes! Will I allow it to pull me into the angry and depressing state I have been the last few months ? NO.

This note will serve as my reminder…Dara Torres and millions of other women who balance it all will serve as my reminder… living honestly and without self loathe will serve as my reminder…being able to breathe and just be will serve as my reminder.

I have come a long way…I am still not the ring wearing, talking about your man and family 24-7 type of chick but I am proud of the woman typing these words…I am proud of myself.

To end this on a light note; now I feel completely naked and the whole world has seen my many strecth marks :).

I have come to a realization
Without giving too much away
I don’t want to hold anything back

I have come to an understanding
An absolute truth about myself
I am learning to embrace me
All the many components of me
The many sums of my entirety

I am no longer afraid of my many roles
No longer ashamed of them
No longer unaccepting of them

I have come to a certain realization
Embracing them all honestly
I am facing my truths head on

I think for the first time
I can live without fear
Insecurities and judgment

I am wife
Mom
Sister and daughter
And for the first time
I am unashamed and accepting
Of these roles

They don’t define me entirely
But they are the many parts of me

They don’t take away from my intelligence
And they wouldn’t hold me back from my purpose
I see them no longer as stumbling blocks

I accept them
I embrace them
I celebrate them
I will use them to empower myself
They are my stepping stones

My secrets are out
My truths are known
No longer ashamed
For the first time
I begin to live all over again

Untitled: From My Heart, For My heart

Good day and Good evening! Depending on what part of the world this finds you.

I need to apologize for the many posts today, 3 in total in case anyone is counting :). I do not plan to make a habit of it. However, I had to do this post tonight so please indulge me as you always have.

I am sure I am not alone in this, but we have our great days, and then there are  the not so great days. I want to assume at some point in life, everyone has experienced the not so great days more than once. I know I have, and today was no different.

See, I started out on this blogging journey to put myself out there, in hopes that I would find myself. When I say find myself, I mean reveal myself in a way that I never have before, accept it and hope that it would help me deal with my “issues” and allow for my purpose to take over.

I had no major expectations besides finding a few readers here and there; I honestly thought at best my friends would read the posts from time to time as their hectic schedules permitted.

I am glad that my low expectations have been shattered, as my blog has opened me up to a new world of people, knowledge, friendships, and inspiration. I have not only found myself, but I continue to find myself daily.

If you know me personally, have heard me speak especially in a large setting, or seen me walk in a room you wouldn’t believe this, but I am terribly insecure and self-conscious, it’s almost crippling particularly now that I have put myself out there via this forum. I literally get sick to my stomach from the nagging insecurities. Very sad!!!

I usually decide on the next day’s post the night before, sometimes something else comes and I go with it, but usually I go with my first instinct. Today however I was terrified to post what I had in mind, and did something else instead- Beauty in the world.

As at noon, the response was weak. I felt bad and slowly the insecurities crept in as I read the poem again assuring myself this is good…why isn’t anyone looking at it. I sent my sister a message, and she responded bluntly, “you need to be positive minded, you know you are good at this, it’s time you embraced it; it’s no popularity contest. Besides, why didn’t you post what you were supposed to post? You keep avoiding that post”

Her words slapped some sense into me, and I had time to think, think about a lot of things, like what these things (writing and finding me) means to me.

I decided to do the post I should have originally- “Fire of ’94. I didn’t know if I was ready to open myself up like that, but I trusted my instinct and did. Few minutes later, words found me and pulled me out of my insecured mood and assured me, this is what I was called to do. It isn’t about the response, it shouldn’t be for me and what I want out of this.

I seek not fame in this, not even financial wealth. Don’t get me wrong I will take them, but what I want from this is bigger. I want to live out my purpose, it’s how I have always defined my success “knowing what my purpose is in life, walking in it, and sewing seeds of benefits in others- John Maxwell.”

I am by no means the best writer out there, not even close…but this is what my heart desires, this is what gladdens my heart, this is what makes my body burn with passion and fiery desire.

So I have resolved in my heart to do it wholeheartedly. Would there still be days of crippling doubts, and insecurities? Hmmn…I think we all know the answer, YES!!! Am I going to let it hold me captive…HECK NO!!! I am learning to trust myself, my instincts, my abilities, and my talent. However small they may be…

After all I write from my heart, and always I write for my heart. Thank you for always indulging me, thank you for giving me your time, and attention; and many thanks for the continued and constant support. Thank you for being my honest audience.

A Dedication

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For finding me after
Years of aimless toiling and seeking
Academic pursuits that yielded nothing
But
Empty degrees with nothing to show
Except piling bills called student loans

For giving me purpose after
Years of seeking and never finding
Living through others and their ideals

Pursuing vacuous dreams and unhappy paths
Wishing to be other than myself
Never really knowing my strength
And so trying my hands at things
Anything and everything
That left only me bruised
Used and confused

I dedicate this to words

For loving me despite my
Many inadequacies at
Capturing its abilities
Effectively and
Proficiently

Not showcasing
Its power and appeal
As deserved

For whispering in dreams and
Long drives
And waiting patiently when
I am caught off guard

For finding me after I thought all
Was lost and
I was sinking faster
Than a capsizing ship

For loving me
Unrefined and
Unlearned

This is dedicated to words

For giving me an outlet
To express myself
When my looks failed
And my voice trembled

For finding and using me
Me again and
Again
And then some more

This is a dedication to you words-

My passion and heartfelt desire